45 min lunch-simpin.

I’m not sure how I’ve gotten to this point. It’s been awhile now and it seems to be that my perception of what I want is hazier than before.

People always use the excuse of being young to justify actions that may not always be morally correct, but although we may be young, the fact is were only getting older.

I’ve lately been telling myself that falling in love is no longer an option. I mean ultimately you’re risking giving someone something breakable, something that can ultimately hurt you, something so bitter from the past yet still so sweet; your heart.

So why am I so convinced that after being broken hearted for so long that there’s no longer room in me left to love, or is that not even the real issue. The problem is I no longer want to put myself in the position of possibly falling in love because although  ”love” can be the greatest feeling ever it can also be so easily taken away. Leaving you to feel empty. So as a result from refraining from falling what does one due? Settle.

For months now I’ve been settling. Settling for something that may fill the void for a few days, a couple hours, maybe even a month or two, or maybe even 30 mins. Either way it doesn’t completely fill that void.

I’m not sure if many people understand how it feels to have a bunch of unsaved numbers in your phone. Not knowing who that person is until you open the text. How it feels to know each of those numbers will contact you on a specific day, because like I, they want to fill that void too.

And for the longest time I was ok. I mean it’s completely demeaning, yet oh so excepted in today’s youth culture, the “hookup”. You answer the text, the person comes by for a hour, or two, or for the night, or maybe a few days; and that void you ever so wanted to be filled, is filled. But by speaking of a void, by no means am I speaking sully about a sexual void. The void I’m speaking of in fact is much more complex. It’s a void in which you feel safe, comfortable, you have someone next to you and it seems that every little worry you had or stress from the day seems to dissipate. The feeling that someone cared just enough about you to want to end their day with you.

However all those feelings you feel for a couple hours, a couple mins, a few days or even some months can all be fulfilled with something so much more meaningful, much less temporary, and much more permanent. Falling.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Best & Worst

I’ve always been more selfless than selfish. Forever putting others feelings before my own. Which leads me to begin with my worst relationship..

I’ve been told I have a huge heart, I myself believe this is true too. I’m overly caring and once I decide you’re worth a piece of my heart I put all my trust in you.

I once made the mistake of loving someone, whom in fact, could not and would not love me. I spent so much time and effort, not to mention countless amounts of tears, trying to convince this person that embracing how they felt was ok. I was vulnerable to him only because I hoped my vulnerability would allow him to be vulnerable too.

I catered to him, I made myself available to his every want and need, maybe even too available. I begged and I pleaded for him to show that he cared. Cause although he may have said it, his bark was always stronger than his bite.

I stayed, in hopes he would change, you see I saw this potential in him that he seemed to be so blinded to. I tried and I tried but ultimately I realized I was in love, alone.

The relationship had many turning points, each which were not in my favor. However I was so determined things could change for the better. And although he broke my spirits many times I still had hope that one day he’d learn to love. Although he broke my heart, the reason this relationship is my worst is not him. In fact it’s me.

It’s the worst because I never fully understood that one can’t change until they want to change. You can’t force someone to love you and you can’t teach someone how to love. It’s ok to be in love alone, in fact many have been there so rest assure your not alone. And although we’ve gone our separate ways and we’ve grown as individuals I still have hopes that one day….. He’ll learn to love.

Along with wearing my heart on my sleeve I’ve always been one whom lived carefree. Which leads me to my best relationship.

After having my heart broken and being left to pick up the pieces I learned to live again. I met someone, someone who in the short time of knowing each other had such a huge impact in my life. Our friendship developed, flourished, and came to an end in a matter of 5 months. However those 5 months left a huge imprint on my heart.

We were mutual friends whom met through a mutual friend. And right away we established that things would not go past that. It was mischievous. We kept everything a secret. We lived a double life that could not be shared with our friends.

I enjoyed his company and our nightly talks during pillow talk never had a dull moment. He was artsy, creative, expressive, a thinker. He opened my mind to things that were out of the ordinary to me. He showed me it was okay to let my guards down, he gave me butterflies without even knowing, let alone trying. But like many things, our carelessness came with a consequence. A consequence that neither of us were ready for. He stood by my decision, my decision became ours. He could have easily left me to deal with it on my own but instead he stood by me.

We learned a lesson together, we lived carefree. We chose to part ways as if we never coexisted. However this relationship is my best because ultimately, it made me a stronger me.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013 — 2 notes

Starbucks simpin

I haven’t written in a while and a lot has changed. My previous posts were all about broken hearts and how to over come them. But from living in the city, being alone, you learn that there’s a lot more in life that may catch you off guard and break your spirits than your minuet little high school love.

5 months of being away from home can teach you a lot about yourself. I’ve learned that not everything revolves around giving your heart to someone and watching them tap dance all over the pieces after they break it. I’ve learned that, you don’t realize how strong you are……. Until you have to be that strong.

I’m not saying I’m a saint. I make poor decisions and put myself into situations that I know could have horrible outcomes. I grasp the decisions I make and take the outcomes as they come, head first. But this outcome seems to be a deeper one, one that holds a little burden deep in a small cusp of my heart.

I don’t regret the situation, or even meeting you. In fact I thank you, because if it wasn’t for you, I would have never been able to let go of the small piece of home that had such a strong hold over me. If it wasn’t for you, I would have never felt the butterflies I lost before, I would have never learned that it is possible to let my guards down again.

We learned a lesson together. We lived carefree. And after all is said and done and we go our separate ways as if the both of us never coexisted; I guess what I’m trying to say is: Thank you for making me a stronger me.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013 — 2 notes

Ranting..

I havent written in this for a while, so I thought maybe I’d put my thoughts into use since I couldnt fully gather them tonight as I would have liked too. If you havent noticed all my posts from the past have had to do with heartbreak and mistakes, however this one is different..or at least I think it is. Why you ask?.. well for the mere reason is I dont know exactly how I feel. I dont know how to feel. Lets start off with this, to you what is your idea or what definition do you think of when the term “talking” comes to mind? A mere distraction from the title of “relationship” that new age slang has used to bullshit around the thought of “being with only one person”.. or does that just mean you get to fuck around? See idk, cause with me.. if im talkng to someone I’m talkng to them ONLY. So Idk how i should exactly feel when the person I’ve been talkng to for 6 months tells me “Yeah, i talk to hella other girls.. but I’d chose you over any of them anyday.” Like, omg thankyou you just reassured me that your a slut.. but i mean thankyou for telling me you’d chose me out of the bunch. I guess its my fault in the end for staying around for 6 months of this, for putting up with all the other girls, for pretending like I didnt care, for not minding being you “main” but why? why did I do all this.. because I like you? or am I just dumb? I never found it hard to let go of someone, well besides my last boyfriend which is understandable cause that was a legit relationship and we were in “LOVE” (then we woke up). but anyways, with you its different, today you asked me “i mean would you picture yourself marrying me”. and by far i think thats the stupidest thing ever because i could have sworn you just said the other day you didnt want to plan out your life, and you just wanted to live for now and see where it takes you..i’m 19..im not thinking about marriage. everything you say is hypocritical and if i were to write it down in a book and turn it into an equation im pretty sure the answer would come up as = PLAYED. but why is it so hard to let you go….why do I want to find out the hard way..

Sunday, September 26, 2010

2429.) Sometimes I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you.

Saturday, April 3, 2010 — 570 notes

If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. So don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.

Saturday, April 3, 2010 — 2,687 notes

& i’m forever excusing your intentions.

I wish I could tell you how I really feel. I wish I didnt need to keep it bottled in because I’m scared of how you’ll react. I’m tired of pretending i’m super solid. I’m tired of pretending I’m okay. The truth of the matter is i’ve grown up, and you haven’t one bit. You kept saying “yeah I play around, thats what i do thats who I am” I wish you’d grow up already. I wish you’d realize. I wish you meant it when you told me I was never not supposed to be in the picture. You come back, i give in, i miss you. Maybe you’ll stay around this time…..please stay.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

formspring.me

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

When I was your lover, noone else would do. If I’m forced to find another I hope he looks like you, yet hes nicer too..

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

formspring.me

Sunday, March 21, 2010