I’m not sure how I’ve gotten to this point. It’s been awhile now and it seems to be that my perception of what I want is hazier than before.
People always use the excuse of being young to justify actions that may not always be morally correct, but although we may be young, the fact is were only getting older.
I’ve lately been telling myself that falling in love is no longer an option. I mean ultimately you’re risking giving someone something breakable, something that can ultimately hurt you, something so bitter from the past yet still so sweet; your heart.
So why am I so convinced that after being broken hearted for so long that there’s no longer room in me left to love, or is that not even the real issue. The problem is I no longer want to put myself in the position of possibly falling in love because although ”love” can be the greatest feeling ever it can also be so easily taken away. Leaving you to feel empty. So as a result from refraining from falling what does one due? Settle.
For months now I’ve been settling. Settling for something that may fill the void for a few days, a couple hours, maybe even a month or two, or maybe even 30 mins. Either way it doesn’t completely fill that void.
I’m not sure if many people understand how it feels to have a bunch of unsaved numbers in your phone. Not knowing who that person is until you open the text. How it feels to know each of those numbers will contact you on a specific day, because like I, they want to fill that void too.
And for the longest time I was ok. I mean it’s completely demeaning, yet oh so excepted in today’s youth culture, the “hookup”. You answer the text, the person comes by for a hour, or two, or for the night, or maybe a few days; and that void you ever so wanted to be filled, is filled. But by speaking of a void, by no means am I speaking sully about a sexual void. The void I’m speaking of in fact is much more complex. It’s a void in which you feel safe, comfortable, you have someone next to you and it seems that every little worry you had or stress from the day seems to dissipate. The feeling that someone cared just enough about you to want to end their day with you.
However all those feelings you feel for a couple hours, a couple mins, a few days or even some months can all be fulfilled with something so much more meaningful, much less temporary, and much more permanent. Falling.