Julienne. Living to learn, and learning to live.
I’ve always been more selfless than selfish. Forever putting others feelings before my own. Which leads me to begin with my worst relationship..
I’ve been told I have a huge heart, I myself believe this is true too. I’m overly caring and once I decide you’re worth a piece of my heart I put all my trust in you.
I once made the mistake of loving someone, whom in fact, could not and would not love me. I spent so much time and effort, not to mention countless amounts of tears, trying to convince this person that embracing how they felt was ok. I was vulnerable to him only because I hoped my vulnerability would allow him to be vulnerable too.
I catered to him, I made myself available to his every want and need, maybe even too available. I begged and I pleaded for him to show that he cared. Cause although he may have said it, his bark was always stronger than his bite.
I stayed, in hopes he would change, you see I saw this potential in him that he seemed to be so blinded to. I tried and I tried but ultimately I realized I was in love, alone.
The relationship had many turning points, each which were not in my favor. However I was so determined things could change for the better. And although he broke my spirits many times I still had hope that one day he’d learn to love. Although he broke my heart, the reason this relationship is my worst is not him. In fact it’s me.
It’s the worst because I never fully understood that one can’t change until they want to change. You can’t force someone to love you and you can’t teach someone how to love. It’s ok to be in love alone, in fact many have been there so rest assure your not alone. And although we’ve gone our separate ways and we’ve grown as individuals I still have hopes that one day….. He’ll learn to love.
Along with wearing my heart on my sleeve I’ve always been one whom lived carefree. Which leads me to my best relationship.
After having my heart broken and being left to pick up the pieces I learned to live again. I met someone, someone who in the short time of knowing each other had such a huge impact in my life. Our friendship developed, flourished, and came to an end in a matter of 5 months. However those 5 months left a huge imprint on my heart.
We were mutual friends whom met through a mutual friend. And right away we established that things would not go past that. It was mischievous. We kept everything a secret. We lived a double life that could not be shared with our friends.
I enjoyed his company and our nightly talks during pillow talk never had a dull moment. He was artsy, creative, expressive, a thinker. He opened my mind to things that were out of the ordinary to me. He showed me it was okay to let my guards down, he gave me butterflies without even knowing, let alone trying. But like many things, our carelessness came with a consequence. A consequence that neither of us were ready for. He stood by my decision, my decision became ours. He could have easily left me to deal with it on my own but instead he stood by me.
We learned a lesson together, we lived carefree. We chose to part ways as if we never coexisted. However this relationship is my best because ultimately, it made me a stronger me.
